I was browsing the Seattle International Film Festival catalog, trying to map my schedule through all the films I want to see, when I began to notice a curious trend. My movie “Tex: Vampire Hunter” was not selected for SIFF this year (got in to STIFF), but I have now discovered the secret to getting in. Here it is:

If you want to get into SIFF, include in your movie a scene with people in bed, and make it your signature screenshot.

That’s all, really. Need proof? Ok! Here we go.

Skateland

The Big Dream

Come Undone

Music on Hold

Upperdog

For extra points throw in a little gay.

Leo’s Room

From Beginning to End

Room in Rome

For extra, extra points, show three people in bed.

A Rational Solution

Run If You Can

It even works with lonely men and their blow-up dolls

Southern District

Air Doll

So there you have it. Over a dozen movies with people in bed in the SIFF 2010 program. As you can see this is an absolutely foolproof way to get your film in. If only I had known, I would have included one in my movie. Oh, wait a minute…

Oh, come on!

Ms. Bullock won for her role in The Blind Side. I didn’t see the movie, but I know it’s bad, not because it’s yet another vehicle for privileged white people to vicariously feel good about themselves for helping the downtrodden, the ilk of which we’ve seen a million times before. No, it’s bad and I refuse to see it because of one line from the trailer.

SOME SOUTHERN DAME: “You’re changing that boy’s life.”
SANDRA BULLOCK: “No. He’s changing mine”

This is terrible, terrible writing. This cheap inversion-retort is overused in an attempt to sound deep and dramatic. See X-Men 3 for many examples of this hack technique:

Logan: [to Rogue] I’m not your father. I’m your friend.

Bobby Drake: This isn’t what I wanted.
Marie: I know. It’s what I want.

Dr. Jean Grey: You would die for them?
Logan: No. Not for them. For you. For you.

Warren Worthington, Sr.: Warren, it’s a better life. It’s what we all want.
Warren Worthington III: No. It’s what you want.

This is just what I found on IMDB but the whole movie is full of this shit.

The Blind Side: as bad as X-Men 3

I’ve been hearing some things, muttered in class and whispered in the dark, rounded corners of Facebook, that I take issue with. They are the weak and cowardly phenomenon known as excuses. They usually pop up in one of two cases:

• a) we are shown work that is better than our own, or
• b) our own work is pointed out as poor or mediocre.

This is when we get defensive and start spouting excuses. I know I’ve done it. But it’s got to stop. Excuses prevent us from learning and improving. They sound unprofessional. They make people lose respect for you. Here are a couple of examples and why they suck.

“Bad equipment”

This one has almost become a mantra at Seattle Film Institute. I hate to break it to you guys, but the equipment at SFI is no worse than any other equipment in the world. It’s subject to the same laws of physics. It breaks down. SFI equipment probably gets less use than the rental stuff you’ll be using in the future. And when you fuck up the film someone is paying you to make, you can’t say “oh the equipment was bad”.

The procedure for dealing with equipment failure is the same in both cases. Firstly, you test it when you pick it up. Make sure it works. Make it do everything you’re going to need it to do on set or location. If it doesn’t work, don’t take it with you. Secondly, if it breaks down on set, go ahead and punch something, then get it fixed by whoever you got it from. Even better, learn to fix it yourself. Familiarize yourself with the workings of everything your department is responsible for. If you’re using a 35-year-old camera, learn how it works, inside and out. Don’t throw up your arms and think that if it’s old, it must be bad. Equipment will break down, and it sucks when it does, but blaming SFI is unfair. Man (or woman) up and deal with the issue. Whining about it is unprofessional.

“If you have money…”

… then you can get such-and-such cool shot.
… then you can make things look professional.
… then all the problems will go away.

Bullshit. We’re student filmmakers, we plunked down our tuition so now we get everything for free: equipment, film and development, space, instruction, and technical support. Actors work for free. Locations and props can be borrowed. Crew is your fellow students or friends or local professionals who want to help out. What else do you need money for? Yes, permits, special equipment, and food for actors must be paid for, but I’ve seen more than one SFI crew produce an amazing film on a budget that’s microscopic compared to a professional production. The key to making things look cool and professional is your own skill and care, not money.

(While we’re on the subject, the astronomical prices of film equipment should no longer be surprising. Yes, this thing or that costs thousands of dollars. That’s what professional gear costs. That’s why we rent. In fact, the prices have plummeted in recent years. This summer the new Red cameras come out, and you’ll be able to get the equivalent of what used to cost half a million, for just a few thousand bucks.)

The time will come to worry about money, but right now if you want to do something, get someone to do it for free, or do it yourself. If you don’t know how, learn how. Our class is full of resourceful people, and it’s a big world out there full of helpful people.

Make movies, not excuses.